Welcome Taica!

Here he is, snugged next to me, our cute lovable new member of family ! Hard to believe he is finally here! We are dog owners! For the kids, this has been a long waited dream come true and for us parents, well, we could have waited another year for our youngest baby to reach the heighof 5 years, but yes we are ready too. Nobody can resist our Taica now. He is impressing us with his calm and balanced little personality, looking for a human contact to stay by. It is difficult to believe he will be with us (god bless him) for the next decade at least. Welcome to our family little handsome Taica❤

Missing the good vibes

I would like to celebrate the lifting of covid-measures after two years, especially with my youngest one at the height of almost four years who was never invited to a birthday party or a friends house yet due to restrictions. Embrace all the women in the world on the International Women day. Share the joy with my children of the long-awaited arrival of a new puppy in some weeks. Feel the joy of first month in my new job and discovery of new wonderful colleagues. I want to feel the sparkling feeling I get every spring, on the arrival of first cherry blossoms in the trees (already there). If only there was not this misearble war going on, casting its shadow on all. I limit my intake of news, which is impossible given the sheer wave of solidarity of the western world and action in all fronts to support the country being invaded and our shared values. I feel emotionally charged and cannot hold my tears when I get a glimpse of imagages of families escaping, farewella in train stations. I can so well empathise the fear, sadness, anger of those women leaving with their children and leaving their husbands. And pictures of those parents who stayed, carrying their children outof burning houses. It is unspeakable the horrors happening in 2022 just next door. I try to channel my worry into action. We bought a bag of medicaments and contributed to a donation with children's school. I feel it is not enough. If it was for me alone, I would take a foster child or at least give a room to a refugee family. At the same time I try to protect my children of the horrors of this world, as long as I can. People write about a changing world order. It makes my stomach turn. I just want to live and enjoy my family at peace. As do most of us.

Exceptional week

I could write this entry only about the war that has started in Europe. The wave of disbelief, shock and disappointment about this sudden unexpected turn, and yet unprecedented solidarity among the rest of the world. I try to limit the intake of news, but I can almost physically feel the panic and worry of those families still the day before living their everyday life and now fleeing their homes to the unknown. I pray morning and evening for the West to show their determination in making an end to this madness. At the same time, my week with my youngest one together at home while the rest of the family was on holidays got another meaning. We re-connected with my baby girl in a completely new level. She did not cry once during the week. Obviously, partly it was due to our program selected based on her preferences: swimming, biking, puppet theatre, princess games and puzzles. But even more, I could really sense how she appreciated my undivided attention, something she had not received since we left the maternity ward almost 4 years ago. Despite the long days at the day care, she was a new girl: happy, talkative, humorous little girl. I missed my other children dearly, and this arrangement will not happen again, but for my baby girl this was surely the best non-holiday she (and mom) has had❤

New Chapter

Next Monday will be a day of celebrations. Firstly, of my dear husband's 49th birthday, but also the end of my career at my employer of 10 years. A chapter is therefore closing. It has not been an easy neither linear ride. I embarked my career in this institution as a fresh graduate and set my long-term vision: I wanted to build my career working for the European Union. At the time, civil service was still respected and temporary contracts were rare, short-term and for the selected few. To concrete example to illustrate: I had 11 contracts in less than 2 years! Many adventures, further studies and valuable professional experiences later, I returned to the goal of mine in 2013. The consequent years were probably the toughest I had had -navigating my life between building a family, having my four babies, renovating a house, while keeping one toe in office. At one point I was ready to become a full-time yoga teacher! Then came Covid, an opportunity to re-focus my mind and the use of my time and allowed me to pass the competition. The only sustainable way to build an intellectually stimulating career within the EU jungle. The rest has been relatively easy. I applied to few positions and got invites to interviews to almost all of them. I could truly choose where I wanted to go. The role of my choice seemed to arrive naturally and appeared to be meant for me with direct link to my native country. I am very excited and look forward to the change. The coming year will be surely challenging in all perspectives, moving to new institution, learning a new profession, establishing my network in teleworking times..but it also gets me out of my comfort zone. And I feel ever grateful to have this opportunity to learn and grow.

Christmas

Leaving Finland and Estonia after holidays is becoming increasingly difficult for the whole family. Despite the freeing cold wheather and dressing in layers, the kids are thrilled with the Northern life style, the calmness and slow tempo of my childhood town up North. They claim they feel safe there, and can have more independence. Inadmittedly, it is safer, cleaner, calmer and organised society by all means. I feel the same. Skiing in the woods, warming up in sauna and waking up in a complete silence are things I truly get resourced, my body and mind are resting. More important than the surroundings, the warm feeling comes from the time spent with my family. My dear parents, so welcoming and caring in their demeure, making (and succeeding) to make us feel at home. I am so grateful to have them. Reuniting with my sisters - sharing, listening, being truly interested. Enjoying to see my children get unique attention from the extended family, and them to see how brilliant my young human beings are. Opportunities for exchanges and learning across generations. This is what we miss is our expat life. Leaving is hard, and we count the months for the next holiday. Feeling blessed to have such a wonderful family, beautiful place and fantastic home country.

Our loss

We took a walk today afternoon with my son to get some fresh air amids a working and home schooling. My son wants to discuss about death. He wants to know what happens after a person dies. Our family has so far been saved from loss, god bless us. I wonder were his questions come from. He is intreaged with the concept of soul going to heaven and body being only the shell of a person passing away and being buried. A few hours later, we have had dinner and all four children are dancing in the living room. The door bell rings, it is a neighbour with her little girl picking up a lost ear ring. I hear my husband greet her at the door. Suddenly, I realize they are all screaming. Kids run outside. "The fox!!!" they are yelling. We all run outside and have to witness the unimaginable horror I would have never hoped my children had to witness: we find our dearly beloved pet rabbits dead. The fox had accessed the protected area and followed his instinct of a predator. I feel terrible, empty sadness. We are all crying. My husband brings Toffee inside, she is still alive. We call the veterinary. As my husband discusses with the doctor, I kneel down next to Toffee. Our favorite little rabbit, so beautiful and intelligent one with an incredible memory. I stroke her white soft fur gently, she has eyes open and she looks peaceful. I pray to bless her and not having to suffer. As I pray for her, she passess away. My husband burries both of them in our garden. We go outside with the kids and send them away with prayers. We thank them for having joined our family for two years and for the joy they brought to all of us. My son waives in the sky, in heaven, and claims he saw Toffee wink him back. In the evening it is difficult to calm down, for all of us. We talk about death, about the goodness of heaven and try to visualise Choco and Toffee happily eating carrots and playing in there. We talk about the fox too. It is not bad, although difficult to accept,but part of the cruelty of nature. My eldest daughter believes the immense sadness we feel at the moment, will be compensated with as huge amount of happiness, because there is balance in the universe. I am utterly impressed by her wisdom at this difficult moment. At the height of her 11 years, she has been the main guardian of the rabbits and most attached to them. I feel so sorry for her loss. I wish I could have protected her. I don't know why this happened and if it had to happen, why in this most cruel way. Why could it not have happened while we were away, or at least when the kids were at school. We could have prepared them for the loss. Now, they had to see it in their own eyes, witness the panic, our uncontrolled emotions of the moment, all the brutality. I told my children we are all allowed to take time to mourn. They can talk about it whenever, write about their feelings or draw about their emotions. I promise them everyday the pain will fade away a bit. I assure them we will get through this together and they will become stronger. Rest in peace Choco and Toffee. "You will alway stay in our hearts", as my son beautifully stated.

Christmas 2021 preparations

Milestone achieved! After a week of painting between work meetings, household cores and family activities, the final obstacles remaining between regaining the privacy of our bedroom had disappeared: Our youngest princess could finally move to her “own” room. She was as thrilled as we were with my husband. With our four kids, we had hold tight to the rule of 2,5 years to weane our babies from the symbioses life with us (mostly me) and move out from our bed room. It seemed to coincide well with the other big step of independence - starting the pre-school. All our kids were genuinely happy about this grand event. Unfortunately the move of our youngest was delayed due to the house renovation and now, at the height of 3,5 years she was more than mature to get on! The whole weekend, she was playing alone in her room, with baby dolls and doll house. She was singing and using new words such as “Africa” for the first time. She slept the night through (so did we!) and seemed so much calmer than the girl we’ve come to know in the past 12 months. Perhaps the tantrums were partly also a cry for some space! In this happy context, we also started the Christmas season with decorating the Christmas tree, making and decorating ginger bread houses. The St. Nicolas had visited school on Friday and again the scouts day. Questions were asked about his relationship to Santa Claus and wheather both can visit..The children were so happy! We all look forward to the approaching Christmas up North with the grand parents. We check daily, whether there is snow (yes, plenty), how cold it is (very, -26 c this weekend) and if we can cross-county ski (hopefully yes!).My son was worried how he can breathe, if there is "1m snow". The big sisters assured the roads are likely maintained While the pandemie is still raging, and social rules have again tightened, schools are taking in hybrid mode for the secondary and primary classes are likely to follow, I just pray from the bottom of my hard our holidays will be safe.