Exceptional week

I could write this entry only about the war that has started in Europe. The wave of disbelief, shock and disappointment about this sudden unexpected turn, and yet unprecedented solidarity among the rest of the world. I try to limit the intake of news, but I can almost physically feel the panic and worry of those families still the day before living their everyday life and now fleeing their homes to the unknown. I pray morning and evening for the West to show their determination in making an end to this madness. At the same time, my week with my youngest one together at home while the rest of the family was on holidays got another meaning. We re-connected with my baby girl in a completely new level. She did not cry once during the week. Obviously, partly it was due to our program selected based on her preferences: swimming, biking, puppet theatre, princess games and puzzles. But even more, I could really sense how she appreciated my undivided attention, something she had not received since we left the maternity ward almost 4 years ago. Despite the long days at the day care, she was a new girl: happy, talkative, humorous little girl. I missed my other children dearly, and this arrangement will not happen again, but for my baby girl this was surely the best non-holiday she (and mom) has had❤

New Chapter

Next Monday will be a day of celebrations. Firstly, of my dear husband's 49th birthday, but also the end of my career at my employer of 10 years. A chapter is therefore closing. It has not been an easy neither linear ride. I embarked my career in this institution as a fresh graduate and set my long-term vision: I wanted to build my career working for the European Union. At the time, civil service was still respected and temporary contracts were rare, short-term and for the selected few. To concrete example to illustrate: I had 11 contracts in less than 2 years! Many adventures, further studies and valuable professional experiences later, I returned to the goal of mine in 2013. The consequent years were probably the toughest I had had -navigating my life between building a family, having my four babies, renovating a house, while keeping one toe in office. At one point I was ready to become a full-time yoga teacher! Then came Covid, an opportunity to re-focus my mind and the use of my time and allowed me to pass the competition. The only sustainable way to build an intellectually stimulating career within the EU jungle. The rest has been relatively easy. I applied to few positions and got invites to interviews to almost all of them. I could truly choose where I wanted to go. The role of my choice seemed to arrive naturally and appeared to be meant for me with direct link to my native country. I am very excited and look forward to the change. The coming year will be surely challenging in all perspectives, moving to new institution, learning a new profession, establishing my network in teleworking times..but it also gets me out of my comfort zone. And I feel ever grateful to have this opportunity to learn and grow.

Christmas

Leaving Finland and Estonia after holidays is becoming increasingly difficult for the whole family. Despite the freeing cold wheather and dressing in layers, the kids are thrilled with the Northern life style, the calmness and slow tempo of my childhood town up North. They claim they feel safe there, and can have more independence. Inadmittedly, it is safer, cleaner, calmer and organised society by all means. I feel the same. Skiing in the woods, warming up in sauna and waking up in a complete silence are things I truly get resourced, my body and mind are resting. More important than the surroundings, the warm feeling comes from the time spent with my family. My dear parents, so welcoming and caring in their demeure, making (and succeeding) to make us feel at home. I am so grateful to have them. Reuniting with my sisters - sharing, listening, being truly interested. Enjoying to see my children get unique attention from the extended family, and them to see how brilliant my young human beings are. Opportunities for exchanges and learning across generations. This is what we miss is our expat life. Leaving is hard, and we count the months for the next holiday. Feeling blessed to have such a wonderful family, beautiful place and fantastic home country.

Our loss

We took a walk today afternoon with my son to get some fresh air amids a working and home schooling. My son wants to discuss about death. He wants to know what happens after a person dies. Our family has so far been saved from loss, god bless us. I wonder were his questions come from. He is intreaged with the concept of soul going to heaven and body being only the shell of a person passing away and being buried. A few hours later, we have had dinner and all four children are dancing in the living room. The door bell rings, it is a neighbour with her little girl picking up a lost ear ring. I hear my husband greet her at the door. Suddenly, I realize they are all screaming. Kids run outside. "The fox!!!" they are yelling. We all run outside and have to witness the unimaginable horror I would have never hoped my children had to witness: we find our dearly beloved pet rabbits dead. The fox had accessed the protected area and followed his instinct of a predator. I feel terrible, empty sadness. We are all crying. My husband brings Toffee inside, she is still alive. We call the veterinary. As my husband discusses with the doctor, I kneel down next to Toffee. Our favorite little rabbit, so beautiful and intelligent one with an incredible memory. I stroke her white soft fur gently, she has eyes open and she looks peaceful. I pray to bless her and not having to suffer. As I pray for her, she passess away. My husband burries both of them in our garden. We go outside with the kids and send them away with prayers. We thank them for having joined our family for two years and for the joy they brought to all of us. My son waives in the sky, in heaven, and claims he saw Toffee wink him back. In the evening it is difficult to calm down, for all of us. We talk about death, about the goodness of heaven and try to visualise Choco and Toffee happily eating carrots and playing in there. We talk about the fox too. It is not bad, although difficult to accept,but part of the cruelty of nature. My eldest daughter believes the immense sadness we feel at the moment, will be compensated with as huge amount of happiness, because there is balance in the universe. I am utterly impressed by her wisdom at this difficult moment. At the height of her 11 years, she has been the main guardian of the rabbits and most attached to them. I feel so sorry for her loss. I wish I could have protected her. I don't know why this happened and if it had to happen, why in this most cruel way. Why could it not have happened while we were away, or at least when the kids were at school. We could have prepared them for the loss. Now, they had to see it in their own eyes, witness the panic, our uncontrolled emotions of the moment, all the brutality. I told my children we are all allowed to take time to mourn. They can talk about it whenever, write about their feelings or draw about their emotions. I promise them everyday the pain will fade away a bit. I assure them we will get through this together and they will become stronger. Rest in peace Choco and Toffee. "You will alway stay in our hearts", as my son beautifully stated.

Christmas 2021 preparations

Milestone achieved! After a week of painting between work meetings, household cores and family activities, the final obstacles remaining between regaining the privacy of our bedroom had disappeared: Our youngest princess could finally move to her “own” room. She was as thrilled as we were with my husband. With our four kids, we had hold tight to the rule of 2,5 years to weane our babies from the symbioses life with us (mostly me) and move out from our bed room. It seemed to coincide well with the other big step of independence - starting the pre-school. All our kids were genuinely happy about this grand event. Unfortunately the move of our youngest was delayed due to the house renovation and now, at the height of 3,5 years she was more than mature to get on! The whole weekend, she was playing alone in her room, with baby dolls and doll house. She was singing and using new words such as “Africa” for the first time. She slept the night through (so did we!) and seemed so much calmer than the girl we’ve come to know in the past 12 months. Perhaps the tantrums were partly also a cry for some space! In this happy context, we also started the Christmas season with decorating the Christmas tree, making and decorating ginger bread houses. The St. Nicolas had visited school on Friday and again the scouts day. Questions were asked about his relationship to Santa Claus and wheather both can visit..The children were so happy! We all look forward to the approaching Christmas up North with the grand parents. We check daily, whether there is snow (yes, plenty), how cold it is (very, -26 c this weekend) and if we can cross-county ski (hopefully yes!).My son was worried how he can breathe, if there is "1m snow". The big sisters assured the roads are likely maintained While the pandemie is still raging, and social rules have again tightened, schools are taking in hybrid mode for the secondary and primary classes are likely to follow, I just pray from the bottom of my hard our holidays will be safe.

Happy Halloween at Home!

We had to face it - we absolutely HAD to finish the what seemed a never-ending mountain of renovation works in and outside our home. The girls' rooms upstairs, a project which started over two years ago! was finally finished last week - works validated and architecture paid. However, looking outside to what was once our cute green garden was now a sad muddy construction site crying to be finished and made beautiful again. Not to mention our bathroom, which was naked waiting to be re-tiled and furnished, our entry hall needing a fix as well as staircase thirsty of a fresh cover of paint. So. We decided to stay at home, funnel our energy and holiday budget aiming at 1) furnishing the girls rooms so they can move in 2) progress as much as possible with all the rest. I did not even sign up the kids to any camps, but would literally entertain them for 9 days! I didn't realize at that point I would be doing it alone, as my husband literally disappeared some days before dawn, came by to have lunch and next we saw him at the dinner table. Sadly, I couldn't even be jealous at him (silence/piece of mind/workout/fresh air/sense of achievement/end of day endorfins) given the crappy cold rainy wheather outside. We are now 6 days into our vacation at home and I am COMPLETELY in love with my kids. And we have achieved a lot! And we have fought a lot too We started off with a wicked family private Halloween party on last Friday. I had my final stage job interview at lunch and I literally swiched from the smart business into a bloody witch and started cooking horror food. The whole family dressed up and I was especially impressed by Eva's own face creation I named "black lady" We didn't go trick and treat though, as it was raining cats and dogs outside. Kids didn't complain and I had a tired bunch of cute witches to put in bed in the evening anyways. On Saturday, I kept my word and we did a bit shopping: the kids got their winter coats from Zara and we stopped at Crea for some crafts, they were so happy! In the evening I was tired, but decided to place the big IKEA order for the girls rooms. Not the wisest decision to make and I spend quite a fair part of the following week trying to correct the wrong delivery address encoded on their website..grrrr. I also found a good second hand deal on 3 -piece bedroom furniture for my eldest baby girl. Looked promising! But oh boy, does carrying and building two rooms of furniture take time and patience. To change the spirits, on Monday we left town to a favorite of our family - Accrobrance tree climbing park! We had so much fun! Tuesday we went with the girls to IKEA (I know, again) to get them the decor -curtains, lamps, carpets, plants. It was so nice to do this together, a sense of bonding while creating together beautiful spaces for both of them, thinking carefully each girls' tastes and personalities. We are all very pleased with the results. Obviously, with all the talk around the girls'rooms, I had to ensure my little ones did not feel left out either. Especially my baby girl being down with ear infaction, poor princess. So we build lego. Lots of it. We baked biscuits. We went to the play ground. I took my son for an evening race in the stadium to take time of his laps. We went all to the favorite parc for a walk in the next village. They got the "juices" from the store down the street. Today we sewed dragons. It has been really, really nice together. I love to see my kids thriving. My girls are in bliss in their new rooms, yesterday they were moving their clothes and books and both had the biggest smiles on their faces. The first night in the new rooms had been exciting and "little scary". As I was cleaning the rooms, with the change of little habitants, the transition also made me sad. It marked a milestone, a sign of time passing and my babies growing. God thank you they are not yet moving from home! My emotions are on the surface, as I am transitioning at the moment as well, changing jobs after 10 years in the same institution is important and does trigger feelings. And that's why I re-assure myself as a good friend would by telling change is good. It makes us feel we are alivemand we evolve. Thank you Universe for everything I am priviledged to experience.

Love letter to my girl

Dear Eva, This morning as I wake up the house is silent. I listen to your breathing and the moist sound that your thumb makes as you are sucking it since you were in my belly. Curiously, you were self-sufficient to sooth yourself from your very beginnings. I know the past 18 months have not been easy for you. From your heights of 3 and half years, you have grown-up half of it under the restrictions of the pandemie. We have not been able to attend the baby-mom yoga classes together, or go to the puppet theatre "Ratinet" or the toddler music class, as with your siblings. You have't had a chance to get familier with strangers around you either, which is probably the reason you seek such an attention, when I try to hold a conversation away from you. Despite all this, you have grown such a strong and determined little girl. Your angel curls and innocent baby smile hide perfectly behind your firery nature. And we all have days we don't know what to do with your tantrums, and there are days even weekends like the one we are just finishing, when you give just the most adorable sides of you. Yesterday morning started as a perfect fall day: fresh and sunny, with autumn already in the light. Your siblings had a full program for the weekend with hockey matches, birthdays, sleepovers and scout day all-day today. I decided this will be also Eva's weekend. So yesterday morning, I completed your dream and took you swimming (and the big girls were allowed to join us). Who cares if the baby pool was closed, we had fun! I searched the "frit" and board for you and you swam several laps practicing kicking. Well done Eva! And you absolutely loved jumping from the border to mommies arms and even slide the big toboggan! Such great fun, for both of us! After the sieste in (mom's bed), we went to the playground and yes, you got a bottled orange juice from the store down the hill. What was the result of such a wonderful day spent together? A PRINCESS was born! Litterally speaking, you found all the princess accessories from the cupboards: the Elsa -dress, the silver shoes and even rabiit ears as you made a remark the tiara is missing..and you wanted to sleep with the gear over night (non you were not allowed). And we met you in breakfast table with the same uniform the next day. In addition to this big news, something huge happened. As Estelle was sleeping over at a friends house, you moved to sleep with Elias on their room for the first time in your little life. And it went perfectly! "Je suis une grande fille" we heard you say sweet little princess. Please don't grow too fast Eva. These are moments to cherish. Today, when we went for a walk only three of us with dad and yourself outside Brussels, we realized it was probably the first time that you had us all to yourself! You absolutely loved it! We saw a happy, smiling and funny girl, who did not complain or cry..Amazing Eva, and I really get you, it's not easy to be the 4th, having to share everything all the time. Well, this weekend was all yours and mommy's heart is still swallen from the love and gratefulness I saw in you eyes of this special times together, with only you, unique you❤ We love you more than words can describe little princess!